


just like a boomerang, i will come back if i belong

by serenascampbell



Category: Holby City
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-28
Updated: 2016-09-28
Packaged: 2018-08-18 09:10:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8156863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serenascampbell/pseuds/serenascampbell
Summary: Bernie comes back from Ukraine, this is the first conversation between her and Serena.  you hate me? well i hate me too for doing this!





	

It had been four weeks, three days and nine hours since Bernie left. Since she walked away from Serena and got on a plane and left. The time had dragged on for what felt like an eternity, and Serena convinced herself that this was what forever felt like, but she was wrong. 

Bernie had encumbered her every thought since she left - not just in the quiet hours of the night when she was alone, wishing that she had someone to hold on to, but in the busy days when trauma cases would come in and she’d expect to find the blonde prepping for surgery with her. She saw her in the face of every colleague, in every word that was said and every moment that passed. It was worse than anything she’d ever experienced; the absence of someone who was once so present is the most blatant agony in the world. 

Hours of mulling over her feelings concluded in Serena convincing herself that Bernie wasn’t going to come back, and it was some kind of hope that she wouldn’t have to witness the pain of being close to her but not quite close enough. It was bad enough the first time when she was pretending that their kiss had meant nothing, but this was different…Bernie knew how she felt and she had still walked away. Never seeing her again was the only way that Serena could imagine proceeding with her life, she had dealt with grief before and she knew that eventually the suffering subsided and she would learn to get on. But that meant pretending Bernie was dead, and that wasn’t a thought that Serena could even begin to entertain without breaking down in tears all over again. 

Four weeks, three days and nine hours - Serena was watching the seconds tick by on the wall clock when the doorbell rang. Placing down her now empty wine glass, she rose to see who dared to interrupt her self-pitying evening of solemnity. 

Through the door, she could see curled hair and the figure of a woman - in all reality, she could see Bernie, but after a week of that, she had learned to tell herself that she was just imagining things. Pulling open the door resolutely, her eyes widened with shock as she bit back her own surprise and just stared wordlessly towards the familiar blonde. 

“Serena,” Bernie uttered cautiously, anticipating a less than warm welcome upon her return. “I- I know you probably don’t want to talk to me, or even see me. I just- I needed to let you know that I was back, I didn’t want you blindsided at work.”

“Wha- what are you doing here? You’re not supposed to be back for another five months, at least.” Serena’s tone was vacant, emotionless as she gawped. Stepping back slightly, she ushered Bernie inside and waited for her to close the door though they both remained in the hallway. 

“I couldn’t- I couldn’t stay there.” Bernie offered weakly, biting her lip as she met the brunette’s gaze. “I tried so hard to bury myself in my work and pretend that I wasn’t leaving anything behind but- I missed it too much; the ward, Cameron, you. God, I missed you. I just- I was a mess out there, I knew it wasn’t where I was supposed to be.”

“So you’re back, for good?” Serena questioned, pushing aside her feelings in order to get the facts though she could feel her tears burning in her eyes and in her throat. 

“If you’ll have me- I mean- at work. If you’re still okay with me being there I mean, after how we parted I’d completely understand if you wanted me to resign, or to transfer to Keller or-” Stumbling over her words anxiously, the blonde stopped herself in the knowledge that she was merely digging a hole for herself.

“No, I- I mean, of course, you’re welcome back. The locum’s a nightmare, I think it’s going to take you weeks just to get the unit back on track though I tried to keep it going. You left us with a somewhat sinking ship I’m afraid, Ms. Wolfe.” 

Awkwardly, Serena looked down at her feet and held her eyes there in a vain attempt to avoid seeing Bernie’s reaction. The name had rolled from her tongue countless times in the past month, there were entire hours where she had done nothing more than repeat it over and over but now - addressing her directly for what felt like the first time in years - was something else entirely. Bernie could see the tension rising in Serena’s posture, and she had never anticipated anything more than amicability. 

“I need to apologise…for how I left. I don’t regret going, and I won’t pretend to, but I should’ve handled it better. We should’ve parted on better terms.” Bernie offered gently, shuffling around on the porch. 

“You know what? Yes!” Serena exclaimed as she raised her head. “We should have...because I didn’t deserve that - I understand why you went and in some capacity, I respect that you were scared, about how I felt, about how you felt. But leaving, without any real explanation, and not saying a word to me for an entire month? For all I knew, your plane could’ve crashed; I had to ask Hanssen because I wasn’t sure if you were even alive! Absence makes the heart grow fonder, yes, but it was like you were dead! I felt like you had died, and if you ask anyone at work, I’ve been goddamn acting like it!” 

“I know you do! You deserve better than me and that’s why I tried to put so much space between us, I was hoping maybe you’d see sense and move on.” Bernie responded with her voice raised just slightly. “I can deal with breaking my own heart, but I couldn’t bear to break yours.”

Serena narrowed her gaze as she settled upon Bernie with hurt settling in her deep umber eyes. It was taking every ounce of the brunette’s willpower not to fall back into her arms there and then, but she knew that it needed to be said.

“You didn’t have the right to decide that for me! I love you! I’m in love with you and I am certain of that, even more now than I was before you left!” Serena retorted bitterly, tears in her eyes that she fought back. “God am I angry! How dare you decide what I deserve, what I want, what is best for me?! All I ever asked for was a chance, for you to try and make this work with me and you refused. I’ve spent the past month questioning whether you even cared, whether you were even interested because I had no other explanation!”

“Of course I am interested! Of course, I care! That’s why I left…” Bernie’s tone was soft, bereft as she forced out the harsh truth. “When Alex left, she did exactly the same thing - she told me that I didn’t know what I wanted and that I needed time to figure that out. And she was right! Because I didn’t love her, I loved the idea of her and everything she meant but I never loved her! I was giving you a chance to figure out whether you really wanted me, or whether I was just a byproduct to you figuring out your sexuality. I had to be sure.”

“I know,” Serena answered resolutely, anger slipping away from her as she extended her hand to Bernie’s arm in an eager attempt to feel her, to make sure she was actually there. “I did miss you, a hell of a lot. Raf’ll tell you that I’ve been completely insufferable. But you have to promise me that you won’t run again, no matter how hard this gets and no matter how scared you are - you can’t run away from me. We have to do this together, or I’ll cut my losses now.” 

Bernie let a wry grin cross her face as she felt Serena’s warm fingers through the wool of her coat. All she’d thought of since she left was Serena, in everything she did there had been some remnants of her love lingering there and she had failed to force down those memories; it was what had pulled her back. That was another realisation while she was in Ukraine, being away from Serena and not being able to shake the thought of her had made Bernie realise that she loved her. It was the first time in a long time she’d said it to anyone - she was somewhat complacent when it came to telling the ones she loved that she loved them, and she was very tight-fisted with her love anyway. 

“I love you.” The blonde uttered simply with promise in her tone - there was no sense of expectation, no desperation for a response…it just needed to be said. In knowing this, Serena felt no need to say it back, she knew that it would feel obligatory, involuntary if she said it now. And she had said it a million times before, though not in quite so many words, and so instead of those same three words, she changed her phrasing to fit purpose. 

“Glass of wine? I’ve already got a bottle open.” 

And just like that, they were back to being Bernie and Serena.


End file.
